Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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