My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
