i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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