Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
