her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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