I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
