The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
