My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
