these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
