thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize