I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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