thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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