My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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