you guys were way drunker than both of me
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
This toilet bowl is my home.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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