4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.