I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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