This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Randomize
