we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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