they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
