Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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