i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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