I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
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Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
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Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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