I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
