Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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