I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
