Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
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So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
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If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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