I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
