i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
