getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
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He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
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On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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