i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
