i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
