my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
