Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
