So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
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