dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
