dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
