booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
