bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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