i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
