You're so nebulous sometimes
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
