dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
