I need help removing her.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
