Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Sorry my hands just texted you
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
