You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
