i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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