I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
