I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
