my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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