never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
