My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
