wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
