billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm really busy with my period
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