why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
