You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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