In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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