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We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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