I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
