i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
