i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
