she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
