As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
